Parenting &... Self-Care
- lauraharris
- Jan 13
- 4 min read
Okay, picture this. The kids are screaming. There are dishes everywhere. The laundry has been piling up for days. You don’t remember the last time you brushed your teeth, much less showered, without being interrupted. The toys from the holidays have overrun the already full house. You are bouncing one crying child on your hip while trying to make a snack for another angry toddler.
Sound viscerally familiar? Maybe you’re sitting in the middle of something similar right now.
And in the middle of this chaos and stress, if you’re on the phone with anyone who cares about you, this is what they will probably say to you right about now:
“You know what you need? You need some self-care.”
And you know what? They are right. You DO need self-care. But not for the reasons that most people tell you.
The Story of Self-Care
Self-care. It’s a term that people throw around a lot.
All of us need a break sometimes, and we have called that “self-care”. And honestly, there are some really beautiful activities that fall under this:
Haircut
Bubble bath
Seeing a movie
Manicure
Bike ride by yourself
Reading a book in a quiet room
Shopping
Brunch with a friend
Taking a nap
As I write this list, I feel myself take a deep breath at just the thought of some time to be alone and do something that I want to do.
The problem is, I think the story surrounding self-care is wrong.
The story about self-care is this: “Your life is hard, you don’t ever get to do what you want to do, so you deserve some time to yourself. You are overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated. You deserve to get away.”
We use self-care to avoid the hard things about life, to escape them.
And when we do this, there is no actual care. When we finally get some time to ourselves, there is no rest. There is no peace. There is just this looming dread that very soon, this good thing will end and then we will have to go back to the really hard things.
We go off to get our hair cut, and then come home and pick a fight with our spouse.
We go get coffee and spend the whole time dreading what’s waiting for us at home.
We take a bike ride, and then immediately snap at the kids when we get back.
Here is the best thing I can say about self-care:
Self care is NOT useful as an avoidance of the hard things.
Yes, your job is hard. Staying home with my kids full-time was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Life is really hard, and there is no getting around it. And sometimes we need to get away. But my question is - to what end?
What’s the point?
The Point of Self-Care
Self care is ONLY useful when it fortifies you to DO the hard things.
Life is hard. And sometimes we need a rest, a break, some time to breathe. And that is okay! It’s normal to be overwhelmed and stressed and frustrated - it just means you are human!
So we can take a break, get the rest, make space to breathe - all for the purpose of coming home a better version of ourselves. And if we see self-care as a way to rejuvenate ourselves so that we can then be more present with our loved ones, then a really beautiful thing happens.
It actually frees us up to be fully present in our rest! We don’t have to feel guilty about getting away or taking care of ourselves, because we know this time is really valuable for everyone. It’s important for you, to rest and take care of yourself, and it’s important for your family, because you are actually better when you come home.
My Best Self-Care Tips for Stay at Home Moms
So here are my best tips about self-care:
Do it!
Take some time to rest and rejuvenate! Get your nails done, read a book by yourself in a park, take a bubble bath, go shopping, get to the gym and kill it!
And THEN…
Come home.
Be home completely. Be present where your feet are. Engage with your family and kids and spouse and, yes, even your tasks.
We approach our lives with a lens. We can look at it as something painful that we want to escape, or we can see it as a really hard challenge that sometimes we need extra fortification for.
The laundry will be there, self-care or not.
The question is: Are we running away from the hard thing in front of us? Or are we resting and fortifying ourselves to come back and do it again, with even more heart and presence?
Laura Harris is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works in the Northwest Arkansas area, servicing Bentonville, Rogers, and Springdale. With over 10 years of experience, she's worked in various fields from in-home parenting counseling, to kids, to supervision of other therapists. Currently her specialty is supporting new parents, especially mothers.
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