On Projection and Intimacy in Couple Counseling

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The video really struck me.

Couples often enter relationships expecting to be hurt. To a degree, this is normal; we've all experienced pain from past relationships. Those past experiences, of course, shape our expectations for future ones. What's most striking to me is how often we don't even realize we're expecting to be hurt.

Instead, we project those feelings onto our partner. Instead of saying, "When you ask to talk, I feel like I'm a kid called into the principal's office," we lash out and blame: "You can't talk to me that way! Change your tone!"

Of course, this isn't always the case. Sometimes our partner really is belittling us or talking down to us.

I see this sort of projection most often in a couples' sex life. Typically (but not always), a husband will approach his wife for sex, the wife will say no, and the husband will project all of his insecurities onto the situation. He'll then sulk or become irritable because he feels rejected. Her "no" becomes a lightning rod for all of his past rejections.

The problem isn't that he feels rejected; that's understandable. The problem comes when he blames her for the rejection. Instead of saying, "Wow, I'm hurt. Hearing no brings up a lot of bad feelings," he says, "What's wrong with you, you cold witch?"

So what's the takeaway? Again, sometimes the wife really is rejecting the husband, so I can't say for sure in a blog post. But I do think that at a minimum, we need to take a hard look at ourselves before we go on blaming our partner. If we don't, we run the risk of destroying the very thing we want. If you want your wife to be intimate with you, it's counterproductive to blame her. If you want your husband to respect you, it's counterproductive to attack him.

Of course, the problem is that if we stop blaming and attacking, it can feel like putting down our swords in the middle of a battlefield. The solution, then, must include a way for us to feel safe. We can't ask you to put down your weapon when you still feel under attack.

Still, the first step is to recognize our feelings as our own and not project them onto other people.

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Dr. Jordan Harris is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who works in the Northwest Arkansas area, servicing Rogers, Springdale and Fayetteville. With over 10 years of experience, he's worked in various fields from addictions, to kids, to psychiatric wards. Currently his specialty is working with couples with young children