I live and work in the south.
Right in the middle of the bible belt. And I've noticed an interesting phenomena.
I’ve got a lot of young married males who feel really bad that they want to have sex.
The story usually goes like this:
Church told us that premarital sex was wrong. Now that we’re married my sex life sucks. If I don't bring up sex, she never thinks about it. If we do have sex, she doesn't enjoy it. I don’t want to be a jerk, so I try to be nice about it, but every time I get rejected I feel get annoyed. And then when she gives in I feel worse.
Worse of all when I try and talk to her about it either we fight or she says, “I don’t know.”
I wish I could want sex less.
I want to talk about this because most guys I work with don’t talk about this part of their sex lives with other people.
They don’t talk about the feelings of rejection. And they don’t talk about their own discomfort with their desire.
It's normal to want to have sex.
First, it’s okay to want to have sex.
Sometimes we say things like, “it’s okay to want to have sex, you're a man." And there’s some evidence for that.
But more than that, 99.9% of us got here because a man and a woman decided to have sex. Which means desire is just another normal human feeling.
So if you feel desire, you're normal. It's just another part of being human.
Being turned down by your wife for sex feels like rejection.
But knowing that wanting sex is normal doesn't take away the pain of rejection.
I let's focus on the heart of the matter. Oftentimes women don't engage because they see men as wanting sex separate from emotions. They think it's just a release for you. If that's the case, she needs to know that its not just a release, its a way to feel closer, and when she says no, it hurts like any rejection does.
How do you fix your sex life?
So what do you do?
There's no way around it, you have to talk to your wife about how it feels to be rejected.
There's a specific way to do this, it's called the Five Secrets of Communication.
But the hang up most men have is not about the techniques.
The hang up most men has is certainty. They want to a guarantee that if they come into therapy they will get the relief they want.
I can't guarantee you'll have success, because I can't guarantee you'll do the work. But I can say, for those who want to do the work we have some very powerful new tools that can dramatically help couples improve their communication and sex lives.
This is not about blaming your wife.
Now, their are two big caveats. First, you have to reveal your feelings without blaming. Shouting or point a finger while saying "you reject me" is not what I'm talking about.
Second, a woman should never be coerced into have sex. Period. Full stop.
So talking about your feelings of rejection is not about attacking her or coercing her.
Rather, what you're doing is bringing up the fact that there is an issue in the relationship. And the goal is to enlist your wife as your partner in solving the problem.
If done right, this conversation really brings couples together and helps them to remember that they are on the same page, fighting for the same thing.
If you need help having the conversation reach out.
I know this seems like an impossible task. You've probably already tried so many times. And you've probably already failed so many times.
If it's too hard to talk about I recommend you see a therapists. Our job is to make it easier to communicate. We help you stop fighting, we help you stop miscommunicating, we help you actually find ways to resolve the issues so they stop being issues.
That can be a big step.
So talk a smaller one.
I've got a list of podcasts and YouTube videos that can help you. I'm happy to send that to you. Reach out below and I'll send you those resources.
- Dr. Jordan Harris