I've been thinking a lot about personality types recently, because personality plays a lot into couples and their dynamics.
I've been stumbling around the internet, searching "marriage", "couples", and "personality types" and I stumbled upon something cool. Turns out marriages have "personality types".
Dr. John Gottman's Five Types of Marriages.
John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and marriage researcher, has identified five types of marriages. These types are:
The Conflict-Avoiding Marriage where partners minimize conflict and focus on commonalities. They may not address disagreements directly but instead rely on shared values and positive interactions to maintain stability. They believe that most conflicts will resolve themselves over time or that compromise is more important than hashing out every disagreement.
While these couples can create a peaceful and enduring relationship, they may also have unresolved issues accumulating beneath the surface. However, as long as both partners are comfortable with this dynamic and feel emotionally connected, conflict avoidance can be a successful strategy for sustaining a long-term, happy marriage.
The Validating Marriage where couples communicate openly and calmly, respecting each other’s opinions and emotions. They balance independence with togetherness and work collaboratively to resolve conflicts.
They value compromise and seek to understand each other's perspectives rather than proving themselves right. While disagreements do arise, they tend to be handled with patience and empathy, reinforcing the emotional connection between partners. This type of marriage balances independence with togetherness, allowing both individuals to feel heard, valued, and secure in their relationship. Because of their strong foundation of respect and communication, validating couples often experience long-term stability and deep emotional intimacy.
The Volatile Marriage where partners engage in passionate, emotional, and sometimes intense arguments but also express deep love and affection. Their conflicts are frequent but not necessarily damaging, as they maintain a strong emotional connection.
However, despite frequent conflicts, these couples also share deep intimacy, playfulness, and strong attraction, which helps them maintain a solid emotional connection. They view disagreements as a natural part of their relationship and often resolve conflicts quickly, making up with displays of affection, humor, or passionate reconnection. While this marriage style can be intense and unpredictable, it works well when both partners embrace the dynamic and maintain a foundation of mutual respect and emotional security.
The Hostile Marriage is marked by frequent conflict, criticism, and negativity, with partners often engaging in destructive communication patterns. Instead of working through disagreements constructively, they attack each other’s character, express contempt, and become defensive, leading to an ongoing cycle of unresolved tension.
Emotional support and fondness are often lacking, making the relationship feel draining and adversarial rather than loving and secure. Partners in a hostile marriage may still be deeply involved with each other, but their interactions are filled with resentment and frustration, which erodes intimacy over time. Without significant efforts to improve communication and repair emotional wounds, this type of marriage is at high risk of long-term dissatisfaction or eventual dissolution.
The Hostile-Detached Marriage is one of the most toxic and unstable relationship types, characterized by both ongoing conflict and emotional disengagement.
Unlike couples in a hostile marriage, who are still actively involved in their arguments, partners in a hostile-detached marriage have largely given up on trying to resolve their issues and instead interact with indifference, withdrawal, or passive-aggressiveness. They may still argue, but their conflicts lack emotional investment, as both partners have grown detached and resentful. Conversations are often cold, dismissive, or avoidant, with little effort to repair the relationship.
Over time, this emotional distance creates a deep sense of loneliness, making the marriage feel more like cohabitation than a true partnership. Without significant intervention, these marriages are highly likely to end in separation or divorce.
According to Gottman the first three types (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) are considered healthy and stable when both partners understand and accept their dynamic. The last two (Hostile and Hostile-Detached) are unstable and at high risk of divorce.
I don't really have some big conclusion. I was simply struck by the most was the diversity of couple styles. As couples counselors we mostly see Hostile and Hostile-Detached type couples, and we often are trained to make them into Validating couples. But Validating couples aren't the only types of relationships that work. So yes, validation is a way to get out of hostility, but that may not actually be the best for for every couple we see.
Take the quiz and find your relationship's personality!
Gottman, the researcher and therapist who figured this out, also has a series of assessments you can take to find out what kind of relationship you have.
I may post what I can in the future. For now, here's a brief quiz which can give you an idea of what kind of relationship this is. Please note this is not an official assessment. It's merely to help you begin thinking about your own relationship.
1. How do you and your partner handle conflict?
A) We avoid it as much as possible and focus on the positive aspects of our relationship.
B) We discuss our disagreements calmly and work toward mutual understanding.
C) We argue passionately but always make up quickly.
D) We argue frequently, and our fights often involve criticism or defensiveness.
E) We argue but feel emotionally detached, like we’ve given up trying to resolve things.
2. When a disagreement arises, how do you usually respond?
A) We try to move past it without making a big deal out of it.
B) We listen to each other’s perspectives and try to find common ground.
C) We express our emotions strongly, but we know it’s because we care.
D) We blame each other, and arguments often escalate.
E) We withdraw or avoid talking about it because it feels pointless.
3. How would you describe the emotional tone of your relationship?
A) Peaceful and stable, though we may not discuss problems deeply.
B) Warm, respectful, and cooperative.
C) Intense, passionate, and exciting, even when we disagree.
D) Tense and filled with frequent conflict.
E) Cold, distant, or emotionally disengaged.
4. How do you and your partner reconnect after a disagreement?
A) We let time pass, and things usually go back to normal on their own.
B) We talk things through and express appreciation for each other.
C) We have an intense emotional or physical reconciliation.
D) We rarely resolve conflicts fully, and resentment lingers.
E) We don’t really try to reconnect; we just move further apart.
Results:
Mostly A’s → Conflict-Avoiding Marriage: You and your partner focus on shared values and harmony, preferring to sidestep conflict rather than engage in deep discussions about disagreements.
Mostly B’s → Validating Marriage: You both emphasize mutual respect, compromise, and emotional support, handling conflicts with patience and understanding.
Mostly C’s → Volatile Marriage: Your relationship is full of passion and energy, with intense arguments but equally strong affection and intimacy.
Mostly D’s → Hostile Marriage: Frequent criticism, defensiveness, and unresolved conflicts may be eroding your connection, making your relationship feel more adversarial than supportive.
Mostly E’s → Hostile-Detached Marriage: Your relationship may be struggling with emotional disengagement, where both partners feel disconnected and unresolved conflicts create lasting distance.
Best,
Jordan (the counselor)
Dr. Jordan Harris is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who works in the Northwest Arkansas area, servicing Rogers, Springdale and Fayetteville. With over 10 years of experience, he's worked in various fields from addictions, to kids, to psychiatric wards. Currently his specialty is working with couples with young children
コメント